ENG Joke- Baptism

A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.

As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

• customary a. 習慣
  

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.

• was taken by 被吸引
  

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"

• quizzical a. 滑稽的
  

ENG Joke- You Know It's Time To Diet When....

1. You dance and it makes the band skip.

2. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

3. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

• mayonnaise n. 美乃滋
  
• aspirin n. 阿斯匹靈
  

4. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

5. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

6. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

• milk carton 牛奶盒紙盒
  

7. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

• shovel n. 鏟子。
  這裏為啥好笑?因為通常我們是說銀"湯匙(spoon)"....
  

8. You could sell shade.

ENG Joke- That's Not It

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

• deranged adj. 紊亂的、瘋狂的
• discharge
• n.
• 解職令、退伍證明書
• 釋放、解雇
• 排出、流出
• 執行、履行
• 卸貨
• 發射、開砲
  
• v.
• 使免除、使卸脫+from
• 允許離開、釋放、解雇
  
• 排放(液體)
• 卸貨+from/of
• (槍砲的)發射+at/into
  
• (水泡)出水
• 撤銷(法院命令)
  

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

ENG Joke- Flight School

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it, and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

• get the hang of.. 漸入佳境
  

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

• wreckage n. 失事、遭難；(失事的)殘骸
  

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.

"I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan......"

ENG Joke- A Cowboy Rides Into Town

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

• saloon n. 酒吧、小酒館
  

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

• handily adj. 靈巧的、熟練的、便利的
• flip
• v.
• 輕拋、擲(硬幣) flip a coin
• 輕擊、輕彈、輕拍
• 快速翻閱+through
• 使翻轉+over
• 使激動、使高興；(因激動、憤怒)使變得狂熱
• 蹦蹦跳跳的走動
• adj.
• 【口】魯莽的、無禮的、油腔滑調的
  
• forcefulness n. 堅強、有力
  

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

• restlessly adv. 不安的、慌張的
  

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

• saddle
• v.
• 裝馬鞍+up
• 跨上馬鞍
• 使負擔、強加+on/upon/with
  
• n.
• 馬鞍、車座
  

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

ENG Joke- Spring Fever

• Spring Fever 春倦症
  

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

• afflicted v. 使苦惱，使受折磨
  

Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

ENG Joke- Stained Glass

A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

• parish n. 教區
• sanctuary n. 聖殿
• panel n. 鑲嵌板
  

And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."

• pane n. 玻璃片、鑲嵌片
  

It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.

ENG Joke- Politician's Sandwich

On the Listening Tour, a prominent politician was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town he was visiting had named a sandwich after him.

He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it.

"Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.

• baloney n.
  
• 燻腸
• 一派胡言
  

ENG Joke- Language Lesson

A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve.

• naval reserve 海軍後備隊
  

A few weeks ago, he was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies.

• admiral n. 海軍上將
  

At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English.

He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you having to speak French?"

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied.

"Maybe it's because we arranged it so that you didn't have to learn to speak German."

The group became silent.
----------------------------------------
hahahaha! you have to understand the delicate relations/history among these nations and you can fully enjoy this joke. hahahaha!

ENG Joke- Repeat Offender

• offender n.
  
• 冒犯者
• 違法者、犯規的人
  

A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. "Haven't I seen you in here many times already? And didn't I tell you that I never wanted to see you in here again?"

• scowl v. 顯怒容、沉下臉來(+at)
  

"Yes, Your Honor," the defendant replied. "That's exactly what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in anyway!"

ENG Joke- Never Felt Better

One day in court, the prosecuting lawyer asked the farmer on the witness stand, "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the policeman you had never felt better in your life?"

• prosecute v. 起訴、告發
  

"That's right." The farmer replied.

"Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

The farmer explained. "When the policeman arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him.

"When he asked me how I felt, I just thought, under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say 'I've never felt better in my life.'"

ENG Joke- Pull Buddy

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

• out-of- towner n. 【口語】市外居民
• ditch n. 壕溝
• desolate adj. 荒蕪無人煙的
• hitch v. 鉤住、套住
  

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

• holler v. 大聲叫喊
  

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

• nonchalantly adv. 冷淡地、漫不關心地
  

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

ENG Joke- Too Much Sugar

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.

"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.

"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.

• light-headed adj. 頭昏眼花
  

"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

• brunette n. 具深黑色頭髮與淺黑色皮膚的女子
  

ENG Joke- Boots

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.

• whimper v. 抽咽
  

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,"Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

• muster up v. 振作起來
• wrestle v. 角力、搏鬥
• mitten n. 連指手套
  

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

Her trial starts next month.

ENG Joke- Sunbathing

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

ENG-Joke- Check Out Mate

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

• tournament n. 錦標賽、聯賽
  

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

• disperse v. 驅散、解散
  

"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

• boast v. 自吹自擂、吹噓
• foyer n. 門廳
  

ENG Joke- King of the Open Seas

One foggy night, as the admiral was walking along the deck of his battleship, he saw the light of another ship approaching in the distance. Quickly he went down to the radio room and had a message sent: "Ajust your course 10 degrees starbord."

• admiral n. 海軍上將、艦隊司令
• battleship n. 戰艦、主力艦
  

But the message came back "Adjust your course 10 degrees port"

This began to anger the admiral, so he thought he needed to make himself clear. He sent the message "This is an order from an Admiral. Ajust your course 10 degrees starbord."

But the message came back "I am a petty officer, second class. Adjust your course 10 degrees port"

• petty officer n. 海軍下士
  

If the admiral was angry before, he was furious now. No way did he take orders from a petty officer! He ordered a message sent which would make his position clear: "This is a nuclear battleship. Ajust your course 10 degrees starbord."

And again the message came back "This is a lighthouse. Adjust your course 10 degrees port"

ENG Joke- Why Specs Live Forever

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

• gauge n. 標準規格、標準尺寸
• exceedingly adv. 極度地=extremely
• expatriate n. 移民國外者、被流放(國外)者
• v. 1.流放 2.使放棄原國籍、使移居國外
• adj. 被流放(國外)的、移居國外的
  

Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

• tramway n. 電車軌道
  

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

• jig n. 裝配架
  

Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

• rut
• n.
• 車槽、凹痕
• 老規矩、慣例、常規
  
• v. 在...挖槽、在...形成車轍
• n. (雄鹿、雄羊等的)發情、發情期 be in the rut
  
• v. 發情
  

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

• legion
  
• n.
  
• 古羅馬軍團
• 軍隊、部隊
• 眾多、大量 a legion of admirers
• adj. 眾多的、大量的
  

• chariot n. 雙輪戰車
  

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever.

So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's rear came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

ENG Joke- Chemists Last Words

1. And now, the taste test.

2. Are we supposed to heat that?

3. And now a little bit from this...

4. ... and please keep that test tube alone!

5. And now shake it a bit.

6. Why is there no label on this bottle?

7. In which glass was my mineral water?

8. The bunsen burner *is* out!

• bunsen burner n. 【化】本生燈
  

9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?

10. *H* stands for Nitrogen - and that does *not* burn...

• Nitrogen n. 氮
  

11. Oh, now I have spilt something...

12. First the acid, then the water...

13. And now the detonating gas problem.

• detonate v. 使爆炸、使觸發
  

14. This is a completely safe experimental setup.

15. Where did I put my gloves?

16. O no, wrong beaker...

• beaker n. 【化】燒杯
  

17. The fire alarm is just being tested.

18. Now you can take the protection window away...

19. And now, keep it constant at 24 degrees celsius, 25... 26... 27...

20. Peter can you please help me. Peter!?! Peeeeeteeeeer?!?!?!?

21. I feel how long 15 seconds are!

22. Something is wrong here...

23. Where did all those holes in my kettle come from?

• kettle n. 水壺
  

24. Trust me - I know what I am doing.

25. And now a cigarette...

ENG Joke- Rednecks Go Fishing

Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

• redneck n. 美國南部貧苦農民
• reel n. 釣竿上的繞線輪
  
• rod n. 釣竿
  
• wading suit n. 釣魚穿著的涉水服
  

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"